I Look Up...

I look up and the sky is infinite blue with ever changing clouds dancing across it. That ever present beauty thing again. Doesn’t it know about the anxiety in my stomach of survival and the fear of future pain? I don’t think it does. I don’t think it cares. The hum of the atoms and the reflections of the electromagnetic spectrum just keep doing their thing. So, I listen to the quiet again then back to worrying if I’m making the right moves: worrying that I didn’t make the right moves. The inner compass spins from the force field of worry. I know, I know, let it all go. Then the clouds distorting the view will pass and the course will be re-charted. The stomach worry works only when it prompts action based in the inner knowing of the best choice now. Of course that signal is very subtle indeed. (Not the stomach! The inner knowing) Peace, plenty.

The intensity of the season

The intensity of the season forces a keep up mentality. There are so, so many tasks to do. Vague worries of the New Year unknowns bubble up between the tasks of now. I’m trying to sail the ship of the self on the currents of fine flow. Flow doesn’t respond the try. It only recognizes do. Check the charts, let go, sail the ship, adjust course, make choices, adjust again to the new circumstances. Life keeps moving there is no choice to this.

2:22 am

Do we really know what we are doing? The rational mind thinks one thing; the body does another, the intuitive gives a quiet inner knowing signal from deep within. The outside noise makes it hard to hear. The voice of fear screams that it knows and the rational mind thinks it is the intuitive speaking. The body jumps and bam! The inner critic bites hard saying, “I told you so.” Keep your feet on the ground and look up at the evening autumn light reflecting grace off a tree as a cloud drifts by. Let the eyes drink this medicine in and all is well for a moment, maybe eternity, or until the mind, body, intuitive, fear, and critic start their dance again.

Drinking Tea

The wisdom on my tea bag simply said,”Keep up.” Boy, I thought I’d get a little comfort from the intensity of life, at least for a moment, drinking the tea. But even the comfort wants me to keep moving. So be it, this is where the current of life is moving now. Hanging on or trying to back pedal would be a lot of wasted energy: no rest in that. The rest is now in riding and responding to the flow. Maybe even enjoying the flow is a possibility (could I allow myself that?) even when the current is not going where I think it should.

Another Weekend

I had another full weekend of family and life. Monday morning I awake at 3:30 am with the fear in my chest that it is all passing too fast. The fears anticipated and dreaded have come, or not come, and have been passed through. I was deadly afraid of refereeing a children’s soccer game (Center referee,U10 Girls AYSO). I did, I made some of the mistakes I feared. It was ok. I am ok. Wait, I think a self-help Book title from the 1970’s is about to spring forth. Ok, You’re Ok, too. It seems I have no choice but climb into my boat and sail on the sea of life each day.

Dense Thicket

Life has been this dense thicket of tangled stuff lately. Then, when I get one area cleared, a new ball of spinning undergrowth comes hurling at me. Boy, I have to keep my eyes open when I’d rather close them and watch the picture show inside. Yet, I know these are the things I must do now: Peace & Plenty.

Small Stuff

Maybe this star I've wanted to catch forever is the ordinary daily stuff. Things like brushing my teeth, in the morning, with my childern and wife and seeing the kids in the rear view mirror talking about the day as I drive them to school. These "small stuff" moments hold deep meaning to me.