Clifton’s Cafeteria in Downtown Los Angeles

Fragments of thought now, fragments of thought past, fragments of experiences now, fragments of experiences past, bump up, touch, and overlap one another. Yesterday I took my kids to Clifton’s Cafeteria in Downtown Los Angeles. It was other worldly. Slow paced, thick with years of existence and everyone in the place became a character in a movie (most likely directed by David Lynch). The restaurant was a good strong cup of Joe in the middle of a fast paced metropolis. The kids loved the experience. I was reminded of years past sitting in restaurants with friends drawing pictures on napkins. I felt a kind of grace protecting us from the harshness of Downtown. As we left Clifton’s, the man walking out behind us started laughing a hearty laugh. I’m not sure if he was laughing at his own inner visions, the fact that I was carrying my daughters’ doll or a combination of both.

The call of the quiet within ...

The call of the quiet within as I sit in the negative space between letter forms resting from the intense of the world’s activities. Ah, finally five minutes of an exhale breathe. The push and pull of my obligations have left little time and space to explore and live in my personal internal world. Oh, how it wants some attention. I see the flood of my life in the debris of stuff scattered in my house. Here, let me grab my planning calendar. I’ll schedule in some more “get lost in the self” time.

I Look Up...

I look up and the sky is infinite blue with ever changing clouds dancing across it. That ever present beauty thing again. Doesn’t it know about the anxiety in my stomach of survival and the fear of future pain? I don’t think it does. I don’t think it cares. The hum of the atoms and the reflections of the electromagnetic spectrum just keep doing their thing. So, I listen to the quiet again then back to worrying if I’m making the right moves: worrying that I didn’t make the right moves. The inner compass spins from the force field of worry. I know, I know, let it all go. Then the clouds distorting the view will pass and the course will be re-charted. The stomach worry works only when it prompts action based in the inner knowing of the best choice now. Of course that signal is very subtle indeed. (Not the stomach! The inner knowing) Peace, plenty.

The intensity of the season

The intensity of the season forces a keep up mentality. There are so, so many tasks to do. Vague worries of the New Year unknowns bubble up between the tasks of now. I’m trying to sail the ship of the self on the currents of fine flow. Flow doesn’t respond the try. It only recognizes do. Check the charts, let go, sail the ship, adjust course, make choices, adjust again to the new circumstances. Life keeps moving there is no choice to this.

2:22 am

Do we really know what we are doing? The rational mind thinks one thing; the body does another, the intuitive gives a quiet inner knowing signal from deep within. The outside noise makes it hard to hear. The voice of fear screams that it knows and the rational mind thinks it is the intuitive speaking. The body jumps and bam! The inner critic bites hard saying, “I told you so.” Keep your feet on the ground and look up at the evening autumn light reflecting grace off a tree as a cloud drifts by. Let the eyes drink this medicine in and all is well for a moment, maybe eternity, or until the mind, body, intuitive, fear, and critic start their dance again.

Drinking Tea

The wisdom on my tea bag simply said,”Keep up.” Boy, I thought I’d get a little comfort from the intensity of life, at least for a moment, drinking the tea. But even the comfort wants me to keep moving. So be it, this is where the current of life is moving now. Hanging on or trying to back pedal would be a lot of wasted energy: no rest in that. The rest is now in riding and responding to the flow. Maybe even enjoying the flow is a possibility (could I allow myself that?) even when the current is not going where I think it should.

Another Weekend

I had another full weekend of family and life. Monday morning I awake at 3:30 am with the fear in my chest that it is all passing too fast. The fears anticipated and dreaded have come, or not come, and have been passed through. I was deadly afraid of refereeing a children’s soccer game (Center referee,U10 Girls AYSO). I did, I made some of the mistakes I feared. It was ok. I am ok. Wait, I think a self-help Book title from the 1970’s is about to spring forth. Ok, You’re Ok, too. It seems I have no choice but climb into my boat and sail on the sea of life each day.

Dense Thicket

Life has been this dense thicket of tangled stuff lately. Then, when I get one area cleared, a new ball of spinning undergrowth comes hurling at me. Boy, I have to keep my eyes open when I’d rather close them and watch the picture show inside. Yet, I know these are the things I must do now: Peace & Plenty.

Small Stuff

Maybe this star I've wanted to catch forever is the ordinary daily stuff. Things like brushing my teeth, in the morning, with my childern and wife and seeing the kids in the rear view mirror talking about the day as I drive them to school. These "small stuff" moments hold deep meaning to me.

10/27/2009

Rapid fire change moving on the surface of the slow, profound turning of eternity. My eyes are open. Am I missing something? There is so much to do. The voice says to just keep dancing and enjoy. Reflection will come later.

The Whirlwind of October

The whirlwind of October continues with a burst of autumn leaves blowing in my face. Beautiful, and lots of raking into piles only to have the kids joyfully jump into them. I am picking up the most important piles first, then enjoying (when I remember too) the colors of all of them.

Balancing on a Compass Needle

I want the world to stop long enough to take a compass reading of where I am. But the compass spins with the whirl of life and the forces of the gravities of places, peoples, things in my life keep pushing and pulling at me. My own internal gravities push and pull at me and react with the external pressures. Such a game of balancing, lean this way, lean that way, a moment of perfection, oops I’ve fallen down. Stand up and do it again.

More Meeting Notes

For those of you who missed the two days of required meetings last week, here are my notes to get you up to speed.

Fear & Beauty

I hear the morning quiet, a moment of peace from the clamor of life. I woke up with a fear in my gut, a deep feeling of loss of place in the universe. That fear of death thing again. We are all so small and so large at the same time. We are the center of the universe and only a small speck in it. I feel a flow of meaning to being here and we are the ones who give meaning to life. No wonder we all escape into all the diversions of email, television, overeating and addictions. We don’t want to feel the pain. Yet in every moment there is beauty. In a doctor’s office we are told of a relative’s cancer and I see the most beautiful piece light filtering through the window blinds. Maybe the heightened awareness of the moment that lets in the pain also lets in the wonder.

Floating Orange Violet

The experience of time and space expands and contracts though out the day. The pressures of the outside world collide with pressures of the internal world. Surrender to the flow for more control.

Gators

The flow is fast now. There is much to do. A fall harvest is in progress.

Holiday Travel

So many drifting faces in the crowd passed me by this weekend. There was just time enough to see a glimpse of each and observe a tiny piece of their life.

Heat

Southern California is hot and on fire today. The month has changed and for me the river of life has quickened and is pulling me furiously forward. My heart wants to hide in a quiet, still, back water and rest in the drifting images of my mind. But forward focus is now. Eyes open are needed to navigate the yet to be revealed.

Angels Gate and Berry Cake

A wonderful light is drifting in the window: A last brightness of summer. Fall has been poking its nose in the window the last few days. I feel the summer light saying that I’m still here. A dog barks. Another edge, the threshold between two worlds, a slight intermixing. I want to hold onto summer knowing I can only enjoy the fall if I let go.

Meeting Notes

I go to meetings. I take notes. The more talk, the more notes. Talk, talk, talk, notes, notes, notes. More meetings, more notes.

side note: try Lamill Coffee in Silverlake (near Los Angeles) California. I had a wonderful experience of great coffee meets great tea (oh, the Hong Kong milk tea!), meets good food, with the company of loved family and friends in a nicely design enviroment.