Thursday, December 31, 2009
Fragments of thought now, fragments of thought past, fragments of experiences now, fragments of experiences past, bump up, touch, and overlap one another. Yesterday I took my kids to Clifton’s Cafeteria in Downtown Los Angeles. It was other worldly. Slow paced, thick with years of existence and everyone in the place became a character in a movie (most likely directed by David Lynch). The restaurant was a good strong cup of Joe in the middle of a fast paced metropolis. The kids loved the experience. I was reminded of years past sitting in restaurants with friends drawing pictures on napkins. I felt a kind of grace protecting us from the harshness of Downtown. As we left Clifton’s, the man walking out behind us started laughing a hearty laugh. I’m not sure if he was laughing at his own inner visions, the fact that I was carrying my daughters’ doll or a combination of both.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
The call of the quiet within as I sit in the negative space between letter forms resting from the intense of the world’s activities. Ah, finally five minutes of an exhale breathe. The push and pull of my obligations have left little time and space to explore and live in my personal internal world. Oh, how it wants some attention. I see the flood of my life in the debris of stuff scattered in my house. Here, let me grab my planning calendar. I’ll schedule in some more “get lost in the self” time.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
I look up and the sky is infinite blue with ever changing clouds dancing across it. That ever present beauty thing again. Doesn’t it know about the anxiety in my stomach of survival and the fear of future pain? I don’t think it does. I don’t think it cares. The hum of the atoms and the reflections of the electromagnetic spectrum just keep doing their thing. So, I listen to the quiet again then back to worrying if I’m making the right moves: worrying that I didn’t make the right moves. The inner compass spins from the force field of worry. I know, I know, let it all go. Then the clouds distorting the view will pass and the course will be re-charted. The stomach worry works only when it prompts action based in the inner knowing of the best choice now. Of course that signal is very subtle indeed. (Not the stomach! The inner knowing) Peace, plenty.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
The intensity of the season forces a keep up mentality. There are so, so many tasks to do. Vague worries of the New Year unknowns bubble up between the tasks of now. I’m trying to sail the ship of the self on the currents of fine flow. Flow doesn’t respond the try. It only recognizes do. Check the charts, let go, sail the ship, adjust course, make choices, adjust again to the new circumstances. Life keeps moving there is no choice to this.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Do we really know what we are doing? The rational mind thinks one thing; the body does another, the intuitive gives a quiet inner knowing signal from deep within. The outside noise makes it hard to hear. The voice of fear screams that it knows and the rational mind thinks it is the intuitive speaking. The body jumps and bam! The inner critic bites hard saying, “I told you so.” Keep your feet on the ground and look up at the evening autumn light reflecting grace off a tree as a cloud drifts by. Let the eyes drink this medicine in and all is well for a moment, maybe eternity, or until the mind, body, intuitive, fear, and critic start their dance again.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
The wisdom on my tea bag simply said,”Keep up.” Boy, I thought I’d get a little comfort from the intensity of life, at least for a moment, drinking the tea. But even the comfort wants me to keep moving. So be it, this is where the current of life is moving now. Hanging on or trying to back pedal would be a lot of wasted energy: no rest in that. The rest is now in riding and responding to the flow. Maybe even enjoying the flow is a possibility (could I allow myself that?) even when the current is not going where I think it should.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
I had another full weekend of family and life. Monday morning I awake at 3:30 am with the fear in my chest that it is all passing too fast. The fears anticipated and dreaded have come, or not come, and have been passed through. I was deadly afraid of refereeing a children’s soccer game (Center referee,U10 Girls AYSO). I did, I made some of the mistakes I feared. It was ok. I am ok. Wait, I think a self-help Book title from the 1970’s is about to spring forth. Ok, You’re Ok, too. It seems I have no choice but climb into my boat and sail on the sea of life each day.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Life has been this dense thicket of tangled stuff lately. Then, when I get one area cleared, a new ball of spinning undergrowth comes hurling at me. Boy, I have to keep my eyes open when I’d rather close them and watch the picture show inside. Yet, I know these are the things I must do now: Peace & Plenty.